So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
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