I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
