i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
