She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
being pregnant is like rehab
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
