A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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