awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
