If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Too much gin, very little bucket
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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