I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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