Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
