I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
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Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
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And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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