I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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