How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I smell like Dick and happiness
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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