my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
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His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
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you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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