Me too!
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
