I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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