I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
True strength comes from lack of pants
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize
