Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
