no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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