No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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