I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
The cops high fived after they tackled you
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
