I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
