we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
