Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
