you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
