I wish I could teleport
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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