"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
