The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
