You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
