He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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