My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
