apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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