broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
