We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
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I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
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Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Fuck me I smell like cheese
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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