They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
