Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
