she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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