Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
