"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
