this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Fuck me I smell like cheese
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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