You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
