I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
