I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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