I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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