Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
