hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
