note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
