Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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