I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
