1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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