I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
