it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
