I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
