If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
