The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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