omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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