I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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