Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
