Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
