I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Randomize
