Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
